Tantra.

Tantra.

You wouldn’t believe the thoughts I had when I first heard this word. Or maybe you would—because you’re probably having the same ones.

As always, my Programmer sends me exactly what I need, exactly when I’m ready. And this time, it was Tantra.

Too many loud signs to ignore—
a close friend very curious, a beautiful new human coming unexpectedly into my life with a decade of experience, and suddenly, a Tantra festival in Sweden.

Two weeks before, I was still in doubt… then I won a ticket. How could I call that a coincidence?

So I went. Promising myself I could leave, watch from the side, or say no anytime I needed.

It was spot on for my life right now.

For me, listening to my heart and daring to stand by how I felt, even when I was the only party-pooper, was the first hard lesson. The “fuck-it” button went hot all weekend. And somehow, I felt more included than ever—because I got to be myself. I got to hold my fort through the storms of love, fear and insecurity.

I danced in my corner. Observed.
Said no when it didn’t feel right. Said "fuck yes" when it did, even to things I would never think about doing. Wanted to give it all up, and wanted to take it all in.

That wasn’t the only hard part, though.

I was forced to face my new philosophical ideas about love, in real life. To face what free love really means, realizing while the theory is beautiful, the reality was hard as hell.

I realized I couldn’t do it.

Then, the day after, I realized what I actually couldn’t do was deny what I feel.

It hurt like hell.

I healed.

I hurt again.

And a big insight came along:
that I should always choose love anyway, regardless of the outcome. An insight that could only come supported by all the amazing people there. People who saw no gender, no color, no hate. Only how beautiful and fragile we humans are—each of us fighting our own demons in a world where we learn to use distractions not to feel.

There we were all open. Vulnerable. Searching.

Just like me.

From my cave in the corner, with my totally vulnerable and brave heart—
I had never felt more included and more proud to live a life that feels so true to me. Hurts like hell at times, but fuck it!